My 10 year old cousin just asked me if it’s fun to be fat.. Like are you fucking serious!? I’ve basically been with this kid his whole life.. And like randomly at of the blue he just said that. I fucking can’t.. I’m so angry, upset, embarrassed and pissed off at the same time.. I just want him to not be around me right now. I thought at 10 he would have some fucking common sense.. Like this kid is like a little brother to me. I thought he knew better.
I already have this anxiety about being around little kids cos I don’t want to be called fat.. But now I have to worry about it around my cousin.. If he had said anything else to me that pissed me off I would’ve told him off but I don’t want anyone to know that I’m self conscious about my weight.
why are kids so damn rude these days!?
when i was a kid i would never in a million years have called someone ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ or swear at them! but kids these days do it and they don’t even care. whats up with that!? it really annoys me that they don’t have the common decency that i (and i’m sure a lot of you) had when we were younger.
my little cousin is about 5 and he just called one of my older cousins, who is about 20, fat and ugly. it made her so upset, but the adults just laughed it off and we’re like ‘oh don’t say that haha’. so now he thinks its funny, but its not.
it said that 80% of overweight kids become overweight adults.. that percentage scares me enough.. i dont want to be part of that statistic. i want to be part of the 20% that GETS HEALTHY!
Gonna try lose 50 pounds before Christmas. So hopefully by Dec 18 I’ll be 50 pounds lighter and be able to upload my first before and during photo :D.
I ACTUALLY SUCK! I keep straying from my goals. Tomorrow morning I’m gonna start the day with a nice bowl of cereal with low fat milk and a boiled egg on some lemon and linseed toast :D.
I felt so much better when I was eating healthy! Need to get back to it!
like i always wanna make sure that noones left out, but its like they dont care if im the one thats left out. like even if i know someones buy or something i still invite them and keep them in the loop just out of courtesy so that noone feels left out. but my friends always plan stuff behind and i dont find out until literally right before things happen.
i really wanna be done with them. like good luck to them and their futures.. i just dont want to be a part of it anymore.
I decided that maybe I should spend less time in front of a computer if I really want to lose weight, but now I’ve come back because I need to be around people who know what I’m feeling, things that I don’t want to admit to people in my real life. I can’t bring myself to talk about anything to anyone I actually know that would let them know that I have issues with my appearance.
Today, I considered not going in to Uni because I couldn’t find a jacket to hide my stomach. How silly is that? I was willing to put my education on hold because I’m insecure. Then, I had to go in because I remembered I had an assignment, so I had to suck it up and wear a thick, woollen cardigan even thought it was soooo warm! I literally hate myself for letting me get like this! Then today got worse when I was walking in the city with my friends and we stopped at a shop so they could look at clothes. I hate walking in to clothing stores that my friends shop at because I feel like the workers and other shoppers there are looking at me as if to say ‘doesn’t she know she can’t fit in to anything in this store!’ So I just walked around awkwardly pretending to txt. Then, I got home and weighed myself for the first time in a while to find that I’ve gained like TEN POUNDS! I thought I would’ve at least lost a few pounds since starting uni because I’m so much more active (walking to and from the station twice a day and everything else I’m doing).
Then, a few days ago, my friends and I were up at the rec centre at our Uni’s gym just hanging out and watching people workout and we were talking about nuggets and one of my friends an I agree that they were unhealthy but that they are a little less unhealthy if you bake them (but they’re still gross when you know what they’re made out of) and my other friend was saying how she didn’t want to eat back whatever she had burned and then my cousin said ‘Don’t worry, it won’t hurt’ and then I said something like ‘yeah, one meal won’t ruin you, but just remember that you can’t out exercise bad eating habits’ and then my cousin said ‘yes you can, you should try it’ <— THAT REALLY CUT ME! Because I’ve done so much research and stuff on it because I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, like I’m not happy looking like this! So, I think I would know what I’m talking about! It’s like my cousin (who is actually like a sister to me, or at least supposed to be) thinks that just because I’m fat I can’t possibly know anything about health, when in actual fact, if the truth be told, I know more than her, and I eat a healthier diet, but because she LOOKS slim, she obviously knows everything about being healthy.
Also, sometime last week, I was hanging around with two of my other friends and one of them, who is actually one of the slimmest people I know, was saying how in 3rd form (first year in high school) she was too skinny (which she actually wasn’t, but that’s not the point) and she didn’t like how skinny she was, so she decided to eat heaps to put on weight, and then she couldn’t stop so she gained too much weight (which she didn’t, she has a good figure - she probably went up by like 2 sizes, so she went from being too skinny to being a size up from the size she wanted to be, which isn’t that bad!) and then she said that now she’s ‘too fat’. When people say that about themselves I always wonder what they think of me, like am I repulsive to them because they find being ONE STINKING SIZE up from the size they want to be ‘too fat’, yet here I am like 10 sizes up from where I want to be.
so me and my mum were kinda having an argument about my weight. like we always do. she looks at me as if she pities me and then says ‘i wish we could do something about your weight.’ as if this whole time i havent been doing anything. and then she says i need to excersice more, i know i do enough excersise. i walk to and from the train station (it takes like 25-30mins to walk there) and then i walk down from uni to the train station (only like a 5-10min walk tops), catch the train and then walk back to my house (25-30mins). plus all the other stuff i do, i play volley and netball (socially, i used to pay competitively but now im at uni i dont have time). and she just kept going on like that saying she wishes she could do something, like unless you wanna lose the weight for me then no you cant do anything. shes over weight too but she wont go on a diet or excersise with me because, and i quote ‘she’s had her life’.
then i said ‘you act as if being overweight is the worst thing a person could be!’ and then she said ‘well, yes…’ when she said that i just walked off. and now im annoyed at her. she really doesnt understand what im going through.
so i just finished getting ready to go out with my friends today. and you know when you’re having a really good morning and you’re like ‘well, i look kinda cute today’, yeah well that was me today and i havent felt like that in a while. then i walk out in to the dining room and my mum tells me to put my hair up because otherwise my friends are gonna talk about me behind my back because i dont look good.
like fucking thanks mum. the one day where i was starting to feel like i looked half decent and you go and say that.. now all i want to do is get back in to my pyjamas and stay in bed with my cat. i probably would if i didnt have so many things to do today.
ugh im probably being dramatic. but like, she always does this. its as if she senses when im feeling good about myself and is prepared with something to bring me back down.